Internal Dialogue

In an earlier journal at my anonymous location I wrote about moments of total clarity. Moments in which the things that might have kept you awake at night become totally clear. Moments during which you suddenly understand everything you were wondering about during the past few weeks or possibly even months.

There is, however, a complete opposite to this: moments of total chaos. During which you can’t focus on anything, don’t understand a single thing that’s happening in the world around you and a general unwillingness to do anything.Today was just like that. I probably tried to do about ten different things, but nothing worked out. Doing some preparations for the new academic year, working on some personal projects, watching TV, gaming – I couldn’t spend more than 30 minutes on any of them. When I went to get some groceries I had to look at my shopping list so many times it was ridiculous. I kept forgetting everything that was on it and what was already in my basket. It was like my short term memory was gone.

The thing is – though I’m not going to elaborate on this because it’s too private – I know the reason why I’m in such a chaotic state. Although psychology is undoubtedly complex, I have a good understand of who I am and what makes me tick. Especially what stops me dead in my tracks; what keeps me from moving on. During times of happiness I’m often blinded to the causes and oblivious to my own behavior, but during the more difficult or even downright sad times I fully understand what’s going on. But here’s the catch: I often can’t do anything about it. During moments of clarity you know and feel what’s going on, and if there are any problems involved you suddenly know how to fix them.

But this is totally different. There is no cure, no solution, no way out. Only time. I guess this all sounds very vague without me explaining the situation and all the reasons behind this chaotic state, but since I stated I write these blogs as much – if not more – for myself as I do for my few readers I don’t feel I’m obliged to go into every detail. Though I must admit that at first I was a bit hesitant to even address subjects like these in my new blog. Especially since this journal is so radically different from my earlier anonymous blog in which I could write about anything I wanted without having to worry about who read it.

But I guess I kind of lost that hesitation with this entry. And although recently I felt I might have made a bad choice by moving here, I now realize there’s nothing keeping me from writing about what I want. And comments aren’t even a necessity; although I appreciate each and every one of them I think might not always want them on more personal entries like this one. I will still write about other, more common and debatable subjects, but I won’t hide these type of blogs anymore, either. This is my place and these are my thoughts in my world.

This is my internal dialogue.